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[personal profile] bluefirebird
Happy New Year!

Thanks to everyone online for your companionship, wherever/however we actually talk to each other - it means a great deal to me.



Some days I don't reply to people when I feel I should because it just seems too much effort.
Some days everything just seems too much effort.


It's now 27 months since Pete died.
One particular 'friend' (who I don't feel very friendly toward anymore) was crass enough to tell me recently that "it doesn't sound like you are over Pete yet". It's kind of difficult to get over Pete when I don't have a life to get on with and what I am left with I desperately need Pete's support to cope with. And in Pete's absence I have very little support from my RL friends.

So the big issue is dealing with my elderly Mother, someone who I love dearly, but who is so different to me in outlook that I have always found her hard going and now - as her memory is going - is proving to be a nightmare to deal with as I cannot have a logical argument with her.
What do you do in the face of someone arguing that they don't remember black ever being black before and thus it must be my memory that is at fault?

As an only child I always thought I was good with my own company; to some extent that is true, but I have also had a partner in crime (in Pete) since I was a teenager, even before we became a "couple". I miss the one-on-one relationship with him (and a whole bunch of other stuff about having a partner!) and have now realised that tonight will be an ordeal in a number of senses: it will be a big club party with lots of people and I will spend the evening alone in the crowd; no, it's not a "happy new year", it is just another midnight with no future on my horizon; the above ex-friend will be there telling me what I should be doing, gee thanks.

I have the "problem elderly relatives" in common with a lot of my friends. But they are all married, with a partner to lean on - OK and mostly with the hassle of children as well, but they have lives, jobs, futures...
I feel that my life is all in the past.

I am hanging on by a thread to one impossible dream, one that is only marginally more likely than Pete returning to my life - and even if it was possible it is totally incompatible with my current situation of 'looking after' my Mother and my Aunt.

Domino, much as I love him (and he is really cute now he's taken to sleeping under my chin in bed), is a menace.
It shows that I've not tried to do any real cooking since he arrived. I did Mum a Christmas dinner in a lasagne for Christmas Day, to save her having to cook - that bit worked out well, for a change - however Dom was under my feet the entire time I was in the kitchen trying to cook it!!!
And now he has hidden under the sofa because already at 7pm there is fireworks which he hates and I am about to go out and leave him...

I rather imagine I am borderline depressed, but I don't need medication - I need real practical help, the sort of thing that just doesn't seem to be forthcoming. Of course, a man would make a big difference, but you can't just pick one up at the supermarket, more's the pity. I don't know any likely candidates, and until life changes somewhat I have no hope of meeting one.
Ironic that my whole life I have been a cyclist and being male dominated sport it's a world that is excellent for meeting single men.


Date: 2014-01-01 12:19 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ferneberga.livejournal.com
Hugs. I think your friend was very callous in her rapid judgement about not being over Pete's passing, we all grieve differently. It's been 4 years since my mum passed and I don't think I've really come to terms with it, so I know where you're coming from.
Hope 2014 sees a better year for you.

Date: 2014-01-05 11:00 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bluefirebird.livejournal.com
Actually she is a he: our club president and one of the people who promised club-related help when Pete died, yet fell straight back into the pattern of asking Lisa to help him.

Ironically, thinking about it, he is a man that has always struck me as playing at life!
He was distant from the club for a number of years after he got married and while his children were young (not unsurprisingly!) In the 10 or so years that he's been back and more involved with club he's had a clear image of what he wants the club to be, except that the club has gone in it's own incompatible direction in the meantime (not necessarily a direction I would have wanted, but it's not down to me either - it's the majority of members that count). In the last couple of years he has taken over as President from his father.
Talking to some of the committee after the AGM, it seems that half of them want to resign too because of this guy and the treasurer, both of whom were my major problems... If only I'd known that before I resigned.

In my book he is actually enemy No 1 at the moment. We talked about several scenarios that involved me not resigning and getting more actual assistance from people, especially the committee, but he insisted that I step down completely - even leaving the committee - despite it becoming obvious at the last committee meeting that I have knowledge that is irreplaceable currently (I'd just picked up a member on a rule violation that none of the remaining committee would have spotted - one that could have got him into big trouble with the national committee).

So the end result has been more club related work for me in the last few weeks, rather than less, in an effort to hand important stuff over to the new guy. So I am even more stressed and not happy. Not to mention that the treasurer is still nagging me for things.

To be honest, callous as it sounds, I probably am over Pete in many respects - I want a replacement for him!

And several minutes into the new year - even as everyone was still doing the rounds kissing and wishing "Happy New Year" I was on the receiving end of yet another lecture from another 'friend' (this one was female) who spent most of her life on a different continent to her mother, and then only her mother's last few months with her. She's the same age as me and on the verge of getting married.

Really great start to my year.

But Happy New Year to you - I hope you have had a good start to it.

Date: 2014-01-05 09:49 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ferneberga.livejournal.com
Good heavens!! As you say a pity you didn't know beforehand that these 2 people were causing a lot of unrest in the club.

Ignore the treasurer insofar as it's possible or simply tell him to f*** off and that you'll hand over the stuff when you've got it already.

I sincerely hope you do find someone who can make you feel the way Pete did, someone whom you can rely on, talk to about anything and be generally supportive.

I do hate people who lecture about things which they know sod all, yet consider themselves an authority and far more knowledgeable than you *grrr* I've had numerous encounters with people of that ilk, and now I tend to walk away, or if it's a bit difficult, just nod in the right places, as the words go in one ear and out the other.

Not too bad a start. A €30 parking ticket (not bad as I paid within 48Hrs otherwise it was €150!!), and a flat battery (at least it's not the alternator). Unexpected expenses but relatively low cost in comparison to what they might have been.

But have managed to lose some weight despite the Xmas period - don't know how much but clothes are looser and I can get to the car pedals more easily with the seatbelt on - LOL

Date: 2014-01-06 10:05 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bluefirebird.livejournal.com
I'm not sure that unrest is necessarily the description, but there is certainly discord.

I like things done my way - or to suit me. Over the years I have been very good at negotiating compromises that leave both me and other people happy. I try to listen if people object, and to find out what actually bothers them and address that - it's always worked very well for me and I think I haven't upset too many people along the way because of it.

Both the President and Treasurer want things their way regardless of other people. In fact the President almost seems to take delight in upsetting others. He has been the organiser of the club dinner for a number of years and introduced 'themes' into it (as if the whole Dinner, Dance & Prize giving shebang wasn't a theme of its own!).
First & second year was colour themes: club colours, then red - so people chose their outfits to the colours, last year was James Bond & he's just announced 'the Caribbean' as this year's theme. (Although there is now a mad scramble for a new venue as the Burford Bridge was flooded twice over Christmas and now won't be open again before May).

Mostly the members just roll their eyes and humour him, but when the entire committee groaned at his latest idea he just smirked at us all...

Parking ticket is not a good way to start the new year! :(

I managed to lose a little weight (for almost the only time ever) when I first stopped working, but once I hit the routine of visiting Mum every week the weightloss reversed. First off I put it down to 'Mum determined to feed me up' but I doubt the weekly minestrone plus asparagus is doing that now. I think now it's more because we shop every week, where I used to wait until I was driven to the shop by empty cupboards. No matter how much I buy - and there are weeks like last week when I get seduced by way too many 'reduced because of sell by date' tickets it all gets eaten by the following week. Last week I got over £60 worth of meat for less than £30 because of the holidays!

Date: 2014-01-01 12:22 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] onlyonechoice.livejournal.com
*many hugs* I wish you a more peaceful 2014. To that end, I'm not sure if I've suggested it before, but I think you should give therapy a try. Or try it again, if you've tried it already.

You're dealing with so much since losing Pete, and on top of losing Pete, that I think talking to someone who is there for you and ONLY you might give you some help to cope with everything that's piling up on your shoulders. I know you said that you're looking for real, practical help...having someone to help you talk things through without saying the toxic crap your friend said can really make a difference.

Ultimately it's your choice, of course, and I wish you the best on whatever path you walk this year. I hope things get easier for you to deal with.

Date: 2014-01-05 11:39 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bluefirebird.livejournal.com
*hugs* back, thanks.

None of this is helped by the fact that the ultimate solution to my problem is going to be the deaths of my two elderly relatives - then I will be free to get on with my life again. And that's not really something to look forward to.

I dunno about therapy, apart from anything else it's yet another foray out of my comfort zone to even find one, let alone go. And payment? I doubt I'd get anything on the NHS, especially as I already have issues with the useless medical provision I have been subjected to in the time I have been with this practice. Mum says to find another, but the previous one - where she still goes - was and is no better.

I am reasonably self aware - to the point that I hate the parallels that I can see between Mum and I: she hides in the garden away from real life, I hide on the internet. She complains about the 'mess' she lives in - yeah right, she'd be horrified at the state of my place - yet I know that if I can't deal with it, then it'll stay a mess. Her 'mess' is paperwork all over the dining table - most of which, like the collection of used envelopes that "might be useful one day" could go straight in the bin and solve some of the problem.

All the begging letters she gets from charities - they should either go straight in the bin or else on a pile 'to receive donations'. It's no good complaining that you are overwhelmed by them if you open them and put them all on a pile to be dealt with that you keep going through yet doing nothing with....!!!!!

Ahem.

Dom doesn't help. He is so clingy/curious that I can't leave him asleep yards away while I get on with things - he has to be in or on whatever I am doing. Have you ever tried cleaning an oven whilst trying to keep the cat out of it! I need to defrost the freezer too... I have had to resort to locking him in his carry cage (like a kiddie pen!) in order to manage to do anything in peace.

Oh, well, back to the internet!

Happy 2014 for you.
How are the plans for the move and the new job progressing?

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