Observations of the Bereaved

[bluefirebird]

It's quite interesting really - in between the heart-clenching pain, and the growing exhaustion because I am not sleeping well - I think I am getting a small taste of how people in gay relationships are treated.

I wasn't in a gay relationship - women just aren't to my taste like that. Although my relationship lasted 25 years we were never bothered about marrying, so didn't. I didn't mind the idea of being married, but the idea of the wedding frightened the life out of me (I look bad enough in his daughter's wedding photos!) in much the same way I am now dreading the funeral. And like at least one other married couple in our club we lived at our own seperate addresses (OK, the other couple actually lived together once, whereas we never did), but we shared a bed at one or other address at least three nights a week.

All of our really close friends and immediate acquaintences knew that we were a couple, but it turns out that many more assumed that we were just good friends. It is a little surprising how many of the people offering condolences offer them to his daughter and son, but not to me - his lover.

The reason for this is that he was 30 years older than me, and they all obviously assumed that there was nothing more to the relationship than friendship. Although some friends that he had known for years before I met him don't seem to have been able to wrap their brains around the fact that we were lovers and therefore just didn't see it.

Now an older man with a younger woman is hardly a taboo relationship, but then I guess I am not the trophy dolly bird that you tend to see in the media for such relationships - in fact over the years many people who did not know us assumed we were father and son! (As I say I'm no dolly bird - and have Gibbsian short hair and dress like a boy - but considering my tits get in my way it is amazing what people see and don't see - even in the supermarket the other day a staff member squeezing by said "excuse me, Sir". Well, I suppose it's don't look, rather than don't see).

For reasons mentioned in my f'locked post I never "outed" my relationship to my parents, although I thought my mother had guessed (once upon a time she was a very astute woman, now she's 80 she losing it, though.) Even she has given me a card for his daughter and family - but then again she has signed it from her and Dad (I peeked) but she wouldn't tell him about Pete when we visited Dad at the hospital yesterday...

Comments

[ferneberga.livejournal.com]

My heart goes out to you.People's judgemental attitudes are very hurtful. Your mum I can perhaps understand if only for the age factor, but apart from that no.
Hugs - thinking of you at this hard time.

[bluefirebird.livejournal.com]

I don't think it's necessarily judgemental, more a thoughtless assumption of a friendship rather than a deeper relationship - although based on the amount of speculation he and I indulged in on the nature of the relationship between other folks we know (sort of trying to figure it out so as not to put a foot in it), I guess many just can't wrap their head round it.

Or maybe it's that as many of them are cyclists of his age or older they put themselves in his place and imagined just friendship.

But then again, how many people do you know who seem to be odd couples, but are made for each other? There are lots in the cycling world, and not many "beautiful couples".

[ferneberga.livejournal.com]

Could be. Sometimes people can't accept "odd couples", and they really do abound in all spheres. One the always springs to mind is Sophia Loren and the late Carlo Ponti - now that was an odd couple if ever there was one, yet they were so clearly soulmates.

I think the so-call beautiful couples are often just façade

[taylorgibbs.livejournal.com]

I'm so so sorry about this. This was your relationship and nobody needs to be concerned with what it was, but you and your beloved. I hope that those around you understand that categorizing the relationship benefits them and not you.

Many hugs and thoughts.

[bluefirebird.livejournal.com]

I think it's mostly just unthinking. The important thing is that the, er, stepkids treat me as part of the family and know that I am even more cut up than them about his death.

Was a little weird at dinner today discussing if their mother - who was married to him for a dozen years - could have lived with him in later life.

We decided that they would have driven each other nuts!

[taylorgibbs.livejournal.com]

I'm glad they and you are there for each other! many hugs!!!

[tinlizzie82.livejournal.com]

It must be hard not to have your grief acknowledged by so many but at least it sounds like his family understood even if you couldn't tell your own.

(((hugs)))