bluefirebird (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
bluefirebird) wrote2013-12-31 07:15 pm
bluefirebird) wrote2013-12-31 07:15 pm
Entry tags:
End of the Year
Happy New Year!
Thanks to everyone online for your companionship, wherever/however we actually talk to each other - it means a great deal to me.
Some days I don't reply to people when I feel I should because it just seems too much effort.
Some days everything just seems too much effort.
It's now 27 months since Pete died.
One particular 'friend' (who I don't feel very friendly toward anymore) was crass enough to tell me recently that "it doesn't sound like you are over Pete yet". It's kind of difficult to get over Pete when I don't have a life to get on with and what I am left with I desperately need Pete's support to cope with. And in Pete's absence I have very little support from my RL friends.
So the big issue is dealing with my elderly Mother, someone who I love dearly, but who is so different to me in outlook that I have always found her hard going and now - as her memory is going - is proving to be a nightmare to deal with as I cannot have a logical argument with her.
What do you do in the face of someone arguing that they don't remember black ever being black before and thus it must be my memory that is at fault?
As an only child I always thought I was good with my own company; to some extent that is true, but I have also had a partner in crime (in Pete) since I was a teenager, even before we became a "couple". I miss the one-on-one relationship with him (and a whole bunch of other stuff about having a partner!) and have now realised that tonight will be an ordeal in a number of senses: it will be a big club party with lots of people and I will spend the evening alone in the crowd; no, it's not a "happy new year", it is just another midnight with no future on my horizon; the above ex-friend will be there telling me what I should be doing, gee thanks.
I have the "problem elderly relatives" in common with a lot of my friends. But they are all married, with a partner to lean on - OK and mostly with the hassle of children as well, but they have lives, jobs, futures...
I feel that my life is all in the past.
I am hanging on by a thread to one impossible dream, one that is only marginally more likely than Pete returning to my life - and even if it was possible it is totally incompatible with my current situation of 'looking after' my Mother and my Aunt.
Domino, much as I love him (and he is really cute now he's taken to sleeping under my chin in bed), is a menace.
It shows that I've not tried to do any real cooking since he arrived. I did Mum a Christmas dinner in a lasagne for Christmas Day, to save her having to cook - that bit worked out well, for a change - however Dom was under my feet the entire time I was in the kitchen trying to cook it!!!
And now he has hidden under the sofa because already at 7pm there is fireworks which he hates and I am about to go out and leave him...
I rather imagine I am borderline depressed, but I don't need medication - I need real practical help, the sort of thing that just doesn't seem to be forthcoming. Of course, a man would make a big difference, but you can't just pick one up at the supermarket, more's the pity. I don't know any likely candidates, and until life changes somewhat I have no hope of meeting one.
Ironic that my whole life I have been a cyclist and being male dominated sport it's a world that is excellent for meeting single men.
Thanks to everyone online for your companionship, wherever/however we actually talk to each other - it means a great deal to me.
Some days I don't reply to people when I feel I should because it just seems too much effort.
Some days everything just seems too much effort.
It's now 27 months since Pete died.
One particular 'friend' (who I don't feel very friendly toward anymore) was crass enough to tell me recently that "it doesn't sound like you are over Pete yet". It's kind of difficult to get over Pete when I don't have a life to get on with and what I am left with I desperately need Pete's support to cope with. And in Pete's absence I have very little support from my RL friends.
So the big issue is dealing with my elderly Mother, someone who I love dearly, but who is so different to me in outlook that I have always found her hard going and now - as her memory is going - is proving to be a nightmare to deal with as I cannot have a logical argument with her.
What do you do in the face of someone arguing that they don't remember black ever being black before and thus it must be my memory that is at fault?
As an only child I always thought I was good with my own company; to some extent that is true, but I have also had a partner in crime (in Pete) since I was a teenager, even before we became a "couple". I miss the one-on-one relationship with him (and a whole bunch of other stuff about having a partner!) and have now realised that tonight will be an ordeal in a number of senses: it will be a big club party with lots of people and I will spend the evening alone in the crowd; no, it's not a "happy new year", it is just another midnight with no future on my horizon; the above ex-friend will be there telling me what I should be doing, gee thanks.
I have the "problem elderly relatives" in common with a lot of my friends. But they are all married, with a partner to lean on - OK and mostly with the hassle of children as well, but they have lives, jobs, futures...
I feel that my life is all in the past.
I am hanging on by a thread to one impossible dream, one that is only marginally more likely than Pete returning to my life - and even if it was possible it is totally incompatible with my current situation of 'looking after' my Mother and my Aunt.
Domino, much as I love him (and he is really cute now he's taken to sleeping under my chin in bed), is a menace.
It shows that I've not tried to do any real cooking since he arrived. I did Mum a Christmas dinner in a lasagne for Christmas Day, to save her having to cook - that bit worked out well, for a change - however Dom was under my feet the entire time I was in the kitchen trying to cook it!!!
And now he has hidden under the sofa because already at 7pm there is fireworks which he hates and I am about to go out and leave him...
I rather imagine I am borderline depressed, but I don't need medication - I need real practical help, the sort of thing that just doesn't seem to be forthcoming. Of course, a man would make a big difference, but you can't just pick one up at the supermarket, more's the pity. I don't know any likely candidates, and until life changes somewhat I have no hope of meeting one.
Ironic that my whole life I have been a cyclist and being male dominated sport it's a world that is excellent for meeting single men.
no subject
None of this is helped by the fact that the ultimate solution to my problem is going to be the deaths of my two elderly relatives - then I will be free to get on with my life again. And that's not really something to look forward to.
I dunno about therapy, apart from anything else it's yet another foray out of my comfort zone to even find one, let alone go. And payment? I doubt I'd get anything on the NHS, especially as I already have issues with the useless medical provision I have been subjected to in the time I have been with this practice. Mum says to find another, but the previous one - where she still goes - was and is no better.
I am reasonably self aware - to the point that I hate the parallels that I can see between Mum and I: she hides in the garden away from real life, I hide on the internet. She complains about the 'mess' she lives in - yeah right, she'd be horrified at the state of my place - yet I know that if I can't deal with it, then it'll stay a mess. Her 'mess' is paperwork all over the dining table - most of which, like the collection of used envelopes that "might be useful one day" could go straight in the bin and solve some of the problem.
All the begging letters she gets from charities - they should either go straight in the bin or else on a pile 'to receive donations'. It's no good complaining that you are overwhelmed by them if you open them and put them all on a pile to be dealt with that you keep going through yet doing nothing with....!!!!!
Ahem.
Dom doesn't help. He is so clingy/curious that I can't leave him asleep yards away while I get on with things - he has to be in or on whatever I am doing. Have you ever tried cleaning an oven whilst trying to keep the cat out of it! I need to defrost the freezer too... I have had to resort to locking him in his carry cage (like a kiddie pen!) in order to manage to do anything in peace.
Oh, well, back to the internet!
Happy 2014 for you.
How are the plans for the move and the new job progressing?